well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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