It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He has the fingertips of a God
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
