Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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