ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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