The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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