How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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