Jerry, you need to find god
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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