How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
