I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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