What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Please don't give away my fajitas
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
