Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
