He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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