if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
