Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
