I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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