at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my shit smells like andre
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
