I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
