You're earring is so big in my mouth
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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