Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
