Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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