Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
