Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
