she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
