Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
