after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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