I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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