Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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