i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
