yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
