how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
