I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
