Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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