90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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