He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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