i'm signing you up for texting rehab
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
