margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
