she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
