so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
