just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
