You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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