you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
