u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
