I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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