420 ftw
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
