i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
