Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
