She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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