Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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