Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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