It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
