he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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