Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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