you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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