remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
