Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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