She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
