You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
