goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
