I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
