I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
